A Voice from the Light.
A personal diary of a journey from ego to beingness.
I wrote this as a reminder for the things I knew I’d forget.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been fascinated by the idea of who and what I am, why I’m conscious, what is my mind, what is existence, and why I’m alive.
What I previously believed to be a normal understanding of who I thought I was, turned out to be a lot more complex than expected, and the more I looked, the more I learnt, but it gradually became clear I knew virtually nothing about the deeper layers within me.
In later years in a search to understand this more, I began to realise that the knowledge I had accumulated could not answer these essential questions, and it wasn’t until I had direct experience of what I now know was my Inner Self, that this existence began to make more sense.
So, around the autumn of 2010, I began to receive unusually clear thoughts about concepts that I had spent years studying, such as consciousness, spirituality, the meaning of life, do we live after death, etc, and it began as an image of what I can only describe as a tornado or whirlwind, which I initially ignored because of an active imagination anyway, but after a while, it felt like it had some kind of significance, a bit like a nagging daydream.
I didn’t know what to make of it at first, believing it was just something similar to the way a melody or song can repeat in your head, but it soon became clear that this was a personal message and a metaphor of stillness and fury.
It was showing me how my Inner tranquillity needed to push out past the eye of the storm of life and mind, to express itself in my daily world. Silence in action if you like.
Following a short period of these curious incidents, these initial images then changed to words, yet it’s difficult to describe because although it’s my own thoughts, they seem to come unexpectedly from nowhere. There’s none of the usual thoughtful deduction or musing involved the way I normally have when I think things through, and neither is there any analysis, cogitation, or rumination. It’s just an unexpected statement that suddenly downloads into what feels like the right side of my head.
Although I’ve had many of these mental scenarios over the years that are very similar to what I’ve just described, this “felt” different, mainly because most of what came through was usually received early morning after waking from sleep. Quite annoying at times, but it became apparent very quickly these “personal downloads” were actually condensed statements of entire paragraphs that I wasn’t aware of. And so I began to write them down, which was very unusual for me because I’ve never bothered taking notes of perceptions or insights I’ve had over the years that I just assumed I would remember if I needed them, but as I wrote them, it seemed like there was some kind of life in them
And for some reason I decided to highlight these “voice expressions” in red, to remind me of the effect they had on my awareness.It appeared they were like refined thoughts from my aforementioned years of pondering, and one day, without any deliberation at all, I literally heard the phrase,
“It sounds like a Voice from the Light”.
This then became the inspiration of this journal, along with the understanding that much of who I thought myself to be, was in fact, borrowed from other sources.
But first I have to say, I never really intended to write this much at all, believing that recording these perceptions that only made sense to me, somehow removed the freshness they originally had. How wrong I was. I began to discover these newly written observations actually acted like recall triggers in the same way photographs and songs, or scents and smells can bring back into existence the distant past, strangely infused with the emotions of things long forgotten from conscious awareness, seemingly lifeless, yet curiously still living within, like events in eternity brought to life by imagination, and the power of memory.
I must confess, when I look at some of these notes and comments, I’m sometimes hard pushed to remember I actually wrote them, which on one hand is weird considering they were created relatively recently. At a glance they can seem like a lifetime ago, but when I sit and read them, it feels like yesterday.
It sometimes appears those moments have “compressed and expanded at the same time”, leading me to forget and ponder them in equal measure”. It’s a curious sensation of dissonance that actually causes me to question my own memory,because it sometimes feels like they were written by someone else!
Upon reflection, I realise part of the reason for this seeming conflict is to do with the fact that what I write now, (2011), actually began 25 years earlier, when I transformed the way I perceived my life around the spring time of 1986, when I “coincidently and synchronistically”, became acquainted with an amazing lady who was to become my Mentor and Guide and friend for the next four years, and who was without doubt, instrumental in shaping my self-understanding.
Her name was Val, and she helped me on so many levels, but particularly with the mentality of, “self acceptance”, and the feeling of “self awareness”, which may sound strange to some, but as I was to realise much later, “if you cannot accept who you really are, and you have no awareness of the process of change, you will remain in the habitual mindset of stasis”.
But, before this internal change, I pretty much lived and thought along the lines of everyone else, (or at least I think I did), in that you’re born, you live, you die, and within that experience you’re educated, you learn, you work, you marry, (maybe), bring up your own family, (or even someone else’s), labour for the next forty to fifty years to feed yourself and your children, (if you have any), pay for the house, or rent, have a holiday twice a year then retire. In between all this living as it’s called, you may try to figure out what this life is all about, or you may just accept it as it is, with nothing to question.
“Just get on with it”, as my maternal grandmother used to say. “Be thankful for small mercies”. “If you fall down, get up, dust yourself off, and carry on”. (Confucius?). No need for government legislation to blame someone, you just fell over for god’s sake.
And so with that in mind, you hope everyone remains healthy and happy, especially the family, you have some good times with your friends and when you’re all done, you cash in your chips by way of disease, old age, accident, or whatever other fate awaits you, and as the old joke goes, you say hello to someone allegedly named St Peter at the Pearly Gates who has a profit and loss account about your life, and decides whether you should be in heaven or hell. Great, that’s me done. Time for the eternal rest I was promised! Now, where’s my wings and harp. Or will it be fire and brimstone.
So that’s about it then, three score years and ten, (if you’re lucky,) and we might see you on the other side, so to speak. Does that sound good? Are you at the age now where the main questions in your head are, “Where did my life go, and, who the hell am I really”? Shocking isn’t it when you realise you know virtually nothing about who you truly are, and sometimes cannot see the reasons why life turned out the way it did. But it’s never too late to find out.
The change I am alluding to about myself, was the realisation that we, (or should I say I, because I don’t know if it’s true for everyone else,) human beings are far more than just flesh and blood, and even the things we take for granted, are far more complex than I could ever had imagined them to be.
I discovered, (If that’s the correct term), there is in essence two aspects to me that can be perhaps plainly understood as my rational mind, (although that’s sometimes debatable), and my feeling self, a logical way of thinking and an innate perception, maybe I could also say it is my conscience versus my ego, or perhaps to put it another way, my heart and mind and their seemingly infinite expressions of life.
You may think, “well, everybody knows that, everyone knows how they think and feel, nothing special there”, and up to a point that’s true because we all do, but the funny thing is, it seems beyond that, they don’t.
In fact, many people beyond a certain point don’t appear to have a clue about what’s going on inside them on a deeper level, and you may also ask, how do I know this? The answer is simple. I asked them. I’ve literally asked hundreds of people from all walks of life over the years, either directly or indirectly, why they think their lives are the way they are, and why they do what they do, and they either don’t know, or don’t want to!
It seems they reach a certain point, then stop from wanting to know more of who they are.
(I’ve often thought if we all have some sort of built in saturation point that can take no more of the onslaught of life, (and death), and so we just accept it as it is, and in so doing, we lose that sense of wonderment we have as kids, that sense that there’s always more to learn.)
The usual answers I heard for why things turned out the way they did were a mixture of fate and blame, time and circumstance, and all of them are responsible too varying degrees. “Sometimes things are just meant to be”, they’d say. “I got sick of fighting the system”. “What’s the point of everything”? I made the wrong choice! “Time just ran out”. Etc.
These statements then seem to become a living reality which dulls the mind, and takes away the sheen of the spirit.
I know. I’ve done it myself. Over the years I’ve blamed all kinds of various situations, (and people), that created the drama’s and events which then produced the fate, (or the outcome), that I subsequently blamed on the circumstances or others, which then afterwards I didn’t have the time, (or the inclination) to consider why they happened the way they did in the first place. It’s easy to blame things.
But blame stops you growing, so you stay where you are, irrespective of who’s right or wrong. And even worse, the blame festers and never heals!
Therefore, part of my own reasons for the questioning of everyone at the time was also to do with the fact I wasn’t sure who “I” was anymore either, because of this shifting awareness that saw life from two differing perspectives.
One from a “conditioned mind set of what will be, will be”, the other that was free of it.
It was, as I was to find out, a measurement and comparison exercise against myself, to see if I was crazy, or should I say, outside mainstream opinion. I didn’t know that then, but I needed to see if these people were more or less thinking the same as me. They weren’t! Or didn’t seem to be.
I soon discovered that I had seemingly experienced what is sometimes described as “altered states”, which is, as it transpires, is the perception and knowledge that there are other “levels” of consciousness within us that exist far beyond, deeper and higher than our current normal comprehension allows for.
It appears for most people these unknown levels within us are only accessed when we have extreme stress or tension in our normal day to day lives, such as fear, panic, scary scenarios and anything that can pull us off centre. I know for myself when some of these experiences have happened to me over the years, they produced a very strange, almost unreal slow motion effect on my reality. It seemed like I was watching myself in some kind of “Lucid Dream”, whereby I was half in this world, half in another, yet I was also to discover, those same states could be reached by practicing various relaxation techniques such as meditation and contemplation
But beyond these Lucid sensations, I stepped into what I can only describe as “A Void”, a kind of mental quietness where I’m aware that something is different, yet the same, but it’s outside my mind’s normal coherence, just seemingly hanging in space like suspended animation, where the continuity of normal perception changes, and creates an unfamiliar world right inside me without any logic or reason to it.
You suddenly realise all the knowledge-based information that we accumulate through external learning has no reference whatsoever in the realm of this Inner Place, where everything appears as abstract, ever changing and fluid…. Yet still! It’s a remarkable sensation.
I discovered in those moments that I had, “The ability to just exist without giving meaning to everything”. To just BE!
I began to perceive in those fleeting episodes, a knowledge and insight that everything is directly and indirectly related, and existence was not just a succession of incidents and accidents, but that it has a purpose, and a reason for being.
It was like seeing “The essence of Nature as it is, rather than what I thought it was”. I was seemingly inside it looking out, rather than outside looking in. In my reflections afterwards, it appeared like I was a mixture of atoms and mind that produced what I began too much later call, Atomic Consciousness, where the Universe we all live in is not only alive, but conscious too. Everything is interconnected because it’s A Living Energy System. I used to believe life was just a random process of events.
I was wrong.
The euphoria of reaching that place of stillness that practiced deep meditation can bring was amazing, yet I didn’t meditate to attain it! At the time I was a beginner anyway, so it happened out of the blue, so to speak.
This Transcendental Experience that nearly swallowed me up, was part of a series of processes that allowed me to perceive with a perception that was beyond what I now know is my Ego Self, or should I say, my `Ego-Mind’, which as I mentioned above is, the conditioned aspect of me and my behaviour that I came to recognize has a very narrow view of what It thinks life is, rather than what it really is.
As the months followed on from these experience’s, I sought more than ever the guidance of my mentor. Thankfully, she had a remarkable grasp of what I was going through at the time. She encouraged me to analyse my changing nature from a rational perspective as well as a feeling one, and kept reminding me the aim was always to remain balanced. She constantly repeated to me that having out of control emotions or unhinged thoughts was a waste of time and energy for anyone walking what she called, “the path of the spirit”.
Nevertheless, I have spent many an hour perusing the seemingly contradictory aspects of my subjective experiences versus the objective world we live in.From a logical view, I thought my living universe perspective was an error, because I had been led to believe that space is devoid of life,
(as we“think” we know it), and evolution was just the physical development that shaped the Earth by a supposedly random, yet naturally selected process! (A random, natural selection! Is that a contradiction?) Yet I also understood that life, and nature, appeared to exist everywhere, regardless of external conditions, and it is, it seems, infinitely intelligent.
As a result of this increasing inner reflection, and Val’s help, I began to explore many other alternative thought systems. I voraciously devoured book after book, cramming my head full of any information that related to anything I perceived to be wisdom and truth. With Val’s suggestions and my own synchronistic book choice, I literally went through everything I could find regarding many different belief and thought systems.
She encouraged me to remain aware of what I was studying rather than blindly reading by rote. In hindsight, this was a marvellous method that helped me stretch my mentality, because I began to see patterns in this information that corresponded with what I myself now thought, felt and perceived. Within these many various wise authors’ words, it became apparent the same subject matter they were describing was also what I had experienced, but they expressed it from a very advanced perspective, which was obviously, a lot clearer than mine.
I was puzzled at first, thinking I was falling short of my own expectations, but Val informed me time and again that wisdom and truth are truly personal, and not to worry too much about comparisons. It was Awareness that counts, and because I was new to this kind of material, I would in time extract what I needed for my own personal perspective as I grew.
She suggested yoga as an exercise for keeping me flexible, but it was its philosophy that had a profound effect on my thinking, yet I now know, if I hadn’t been ready to grasp its idea’s, I might as well have been reading fiction. As I was to learn, many of the concepts described by its viewpoint were unfamiliar to my aforementioned conditioned western mind set, and this new information was beyond my normal understanding then, but beginning to make sense very quickly.
Over the years that followed, I must have read in excess of 300/400 (a conservative estimate) of amazing books by amazing authors such as, Aïvanhov, Krishnamurti and Yogananda who have wrote some amazing things, yet I came to understand that the books themselves were not enough for a deeper comprehension of who I was. They sure had a lot of knowledge in them, but it wasn’t mine. It was, as I was to discover,
“A borrowed understanding, not a living experience”.
This was a profound realisation, helped of course in part by reading the above literature, my mentors guidance, and my own personal cognitions, but as I now say to myself these days,
“You can read all the Buddhist Scriptures in existence, but it won’t make you Enlightened”.
Seeing another viewpoint that was different to my then “normal” perceptions, proved to be very difficult sometimes, especially when it seemed to be at odds, and out of sync with family and friends, yet once I had experienced it, there was no turning back.
It’s healthy to have, the courage of your own convictions, but over the years I’ve had to constantly remind myself, “you don’t have to try and persuade anyone you’re right!”
It became clear that, “True power is personal, and Wisdom is the understanding of oneself, not others”, and in that, there is much I discovered that previously didn’t fully resonate then as it does now, but experience and living, allowed me to adapt to this changing inner knowledge.
I originally thought my progress was just a matter of practice, which I naturally associated with discipline,yet Wisdom and the personal power of understanding, are beyond those things, and in many ways, are difficult to describe.
I have met many well-read and knowledgeable people over the years, who undoubtedly knew a great deal about their chosen subject, yet upon further scrutiny, they actually displayed conceited tendencies, hidden behind various veneers of falseness and insincerity, that were seemingly at odds with how they presented themselves. Why is it sometimes the more we learn, the more pretentious or self important we can become? Does the knowledge itself become a double edged sword that can enlighten us, or does it create a double edged mindset that turns some from being interesting individuals, into arrogant know-alls.
It’s a strange dichotomy that separates wisdom and knowledge, yet I now know, truly wise souls are very easy in manner and expression. They have a maturity of mind that allows for the lack of understanding in others, whilst easily comprehending any contradictions or shortcomings expressed without the need to point out correction or blame. They leave a back door open for ignorance to escape if necessary, and have no judgements as to the supposed right or wrongs of such situations. A wise mind understands we are all on the learning curve of life, where there is always more than meets the eye.
This Internal guidance of Wisdom is always there, yet how often have I missed the simplicity of the quiet voice within? It seems to come in many forms, and especially when you least expect it, yet thankfully, awareness allows me to see it as an unfolding process of timing and learning that cannot be forced, and it gradually became clear that, “Sometimes today’s message is actually tomorrow’s lesson”.
External guidance can come in many ways too, but I discovered that, A True Guide, (and I must say, I haven’t met many in human form), would never tell you what to do, because for them, “It’s more of a suggestion without expectation”, because “having no expectations of what you expect from others frees you as well as them”, and yet I have in the past, sometimes overstepped the mark in my efforts to explain something I believed could be of benefit to some. I frequently get very clear insights of what’s required to help other people’s problematic situations, but I’ve also gradually discovered, “What’s the use of me seeing it, when you have to learn your own lessons”.
Nevertheless, sharing an insight may be all that’s necessary at the time to help someone who is actually asking for a different perspective, but it is the asking that makes the difference. I’ve finally understood, I cannot intrude in another’s free will choice, regardless of whether I can see a better way around something.
If something negative is their essential lesson, then so be it. Sometimes the Hard way is the right way. Sometimes the wrong path shows you the right action.
I’ve done it myself, battering my stupid stubborn head against a mental wall of my own frustration, thinking, I Will Win. But in truth, I’m only fighting myself, the bit within me that refuses to believe I could be wrong. The bit within me that refuses to accept my own ignorance. What a waste of energy. At some point, you’ll have to stop. At some point, you’ll lose!
I now realise most people who have any sense whatsoever that there’s more to them than blood and bone, would prefer to truly comprehend themselves rather than wander aimlessly through life, and on a personal level, I am still learning that, To know what I need is a far greater gift than thinking there’s something I want.
I remember telling my mum one day that she couldn’t keep me wrapped in cotton wool because my life was waiting for me. It seems there are some situations that are destined to occur because it truly is our fate, or karma to have it, yet rationally, it’s very difficult to discern if it’s by accident, or design.
The reason I mention this is because I again discovered, your own personal conscious discernment, your Inner Knowingness, (not your ego), is the true key to understanding yourself. It’s attuned to all your own energetic frequencies that are unique to you, because it contains all of who you are.
Listen to its Voice, “It’s a Whisper from the Soul”, your very own built in Bodhisattva that’s completely free of charge, both in money, and reaction.
And so, I live and learn too. I discovered over time that my eagerness to help was often misunderstood because of many various and diverse reasons, but it was always Heartfelt. Alas, some people can interpret this as interfering, or trying to get into their minds, but it wasn’t, and isn’t. Why would I want to do that if I have no ulterior motive?
Maybe that’s an acceptable process in business, banking, politics, or any other deceitful practice, but for me, that’s just a waste of energy. That’s just egotism again.
What I have noticed is that if you really listen to what others say, they actually tell you who they are. Their own statements are riddled with personal beliefs and bias towards or against whatever they describe. I don’t really need to analyse anyone anymore, and beyond what’s said, their actions will always reveal their real intentions anyway, be it now, or later. You can know others by their deeds, what they do, and how they respond and react, but on a personal level, I’m not really interested in anyone’s private business, unless it affects me.
What I am fascinated by however, is how and why they perceive life as they do, irrespective of their lifestyle, education or status. My interest of how others think and feel, is a genuine curiosity of the infinite diversity of human life. From kids to kings, it matters not who they are.
So, with all that in mind, I’m not insisting what I write is true, and I make no claims that any of this
information is technically correct. That’s not a negative comment, it’s realistic. My personal subjective experiences are my own, and after all, some of my perceptions can change in a moment. It’s simply work in progress, and it makes sense to me. Exact classifications are impossible, because I cannot completely define who and what I am yet, and so for now, I have no “Proof of my Truth”, so to speak.
I personally found my own voyage to be an interesting contradiction of what I think I need to Do, versus what I seem to Be, and sorting the wheat from the chaff is so far, proving to be a lifelong process, but worth the effort. Perceiving and understanding why life is the way it is for myself has been, and is, a marvellous undertaking, but it actually takes a lot of work that to some, has no obvious outward reward.
There are many people I’ve known, know, and met over the years, who have asked me why I question myself to such a degree, when I should be getting on with “Real Life”!
Sarcastic comments like, “Why are you Contemplating your Navel” or, “doing your “Zen Stuff”, when there’s work to be done and problems to sort out, have been commonplace to me for years, yet it’s interesting to observe how the owners of these remarks have lives that appear to be a screaming mess of contradictions. Some seem to lurch from one catastrophe to another, whilst always blaming someone or something for their mental and emotional chaos, never realising that just a little bit of mindful awareness is all that’s required to comprehend many seemingly negative circumstances.
For me, there is no greater gift than understanding who I am. Knowing why I react or respond to life’s situations, knowing why some people can affect you more than others is a task worth understanding. These are sometimes the moments that reveal the balance between personal pragmatism and self awareness, where you gradually begin to understand what’s essential for yourself, and what isn’t.
Yet I still find it strange how the people who know themselves the least, have the most to say!No one forces them to think the way they do, butIf they choose to see life along the narrow lines of black, white, and judgement, then so be it.
For me, Life is far too complex to be seen in such terms. As many truly artistic and visionary people will tell you, Life is actually Light and Shade, (even for Helen Keller), rather than a definite this or that, and, If you add colour, hue and Sound to your pallet, your creation comes alive even more.
We are all free to see the world as we like, and I suppose you could argue, all opinions are valid, yet I’ve often been asked about what evidence I have regarding what it is I’ve learnt. The simple answer is, I don’t have any, other than how you see me. (You’ll have to find your own answers I’m afraid).
If you took a snapshot of any human being, including yourself, there are many things that have no continuity. How can anyone prove their personal experiences in a logical way? How can I communicate everything that passes through my mind and neural networks? How can I prove my emotional responses other than what you might observe from my reactions? How can I truly relate what I feel in any given situation. That’s very difficult, and completely subjective anyway.
What I will say is, if you approach questioning yourself with a genuine open mind and heart, and you’re willing to put aside what you “Think” you know, I believe you will find what you need, yet as I only recently came to recognise, this inner process is about,
“The understanding of me, not the explaining of you”.
So despite that, I still decided to share my perceptions, and if they make some sense, then maybe that’s good. Maybe there is something that relates to your own life by me understanding some of mine.
If not, well Adios Amigo. No harm done. I don’t need to insist you agree with me.
That’s a completely pointless exercise that only gratifies the ego, and keeps the mind trapped in endless justifications.
What difference will it make to you anyway if I’m wrong?
A Voice from the Light 